Director: Ariel Vromen

“The Iceman” is one of those rare occurrences where it misses it’s barn-sized -mark with a shotgun from about five feet away. This movie was riddled with potential and its result is nothing more than a ho-hum experience. This review’s going to be totally biased for I was very much looking forward to it as I enjoy true crime, Michael Shannon, hit men, sociopaths, the title, and the trailer.

“The Iceman” is a film based on, real life hit-man, Richard Kuklinski (Michael Shannon). Kuklinski was a golem of a man as he stood at six foot five with a permanent solemn expression. He was one of those guys you could look at and go “he’s probably a murderer.” One day while Kuklonski was trying to finishe an order of pornography, Roy Demeo (Ray Liotta) walks in to rough the place up. He owns the porn studio and is wondering why his shipment has yet to arrive. Seeing that Kuklinski’s reaction to a gun is mild disappointment, Roy offers him a job as a hitman. Being a sociopath, Kuklinski gets to work.

While pursuing a career in contract killing, Kuklinksi was also raising a family. His wife, Deborah Pellicotti (Winona Ryder), was unaware of her husband’s career as she was under the impression he was an international exchange banker.  Eventually, Roy has to go under the radar and puts Kuklinski on hiatus. Without money coming in, Kuklinski starts to become desperate. Also, without satiating his penchant for violence, he starts becoming destructive at home. This is around the time he meets Mr. Freezy (Chris Evans). He’s a freelance hit-man that freezes his victims for prolonged periods so when he dumps the bodies, the police are confused.

This movie was just recorded. There was no style or motif in it’s production. I was never enveloped by the art of filmmaking or had a reactive emotion to anything. It’s the lack of creativity for something so ripe with potential that disappointed me. How was I suppose to feel about Kuklinski? Was I suppose to sympathize or condemn him? At times, he seemed incredibly family oriented, but sometimes he seemed like he forgot they existed.

Even though the production was paint by numbers, the acting was not. Michael Shanonon expertly performs the quiet sociopath. He’s not crazy, he’s not addicted to drugs or alcohol, and he doesn’t particularly enjoy killing. Kullinski is just totally apathetic toward death. Sympathy is a foreign emotion to Kuklinski and Michael Shannon can evoke not evoking better than anyone. Winona Ryder, Chris Evans, and Ray Liotta are all incredibly solid and it’s always nice seeing James Franco get murdered.

Also, this film’s production design is fairly stellar. Spanning over a decade the movie transitions though those years fairly seamlessly. It also wasn’t afraid to become grimy.  Where a lot of period pieces are content with everything looking pristine and new, this movie had it’s background worn from time.  I liked “42,” but all the scenery looked like it just came off the shelf. Just because a story takes place in 1974 doesn’t mean your washing machine would have be manufactured in 1974. Good job, Nathan Amondson (Production Design), Zach Bangma, William Budge (Art Directors), Teresa Visinare (Set Decorator), and Dona Zakowska (Costume Designer).

All in all, “The Iceman” is a pretty good true crime biography. It’s just a shame that it doesn’t attempt anything outside of showing you “The Iceman.” It’s just more “Kill the Irishman” than “Goodfellas.” Plus, the actual events of Richard Kuklinski seem more interesting than this movie.

EXTRA FROZEN TID BITS -

• Kuklinski slits someone’s throat in the beginning of this movie because of his temper. In real life, he beat him to death in public with a pool cue. That sounds like a better scene.
• I’m excited to see Michael Shanon as Zod.
• “The Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Hitman” is a great documentary about Kuklinski.
• If you do an image search for “The Iceman” you get this:
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In 2009, PETA tried to make tofu infused with George Clooney’s sweat. They apparently got ahold of one of his gym towels and requested to use Clooney’s perspiration to flavor tofu (they called it Clofu). It was suppose to spread awareness of animal cruelty and the science behind it would be similar to using chicken stock to make “instant gravy.”  Clooney declined and I honestly think it’s because of that “Instant Gravy” comparison. That shit freaks me out and I’m assuming George and I have similar feelings toward cheap starch filled meat sauces. Anyway, if it wasn’t for that goofy attempt at ingesting a celebrity’s uera, I may have not given “Antiviral” a subconscious chance.

In the not to distant future (maybe) you can take your celebrity warped brain into a specialized clinic and get injected with celebrity diseases. Why? Because your obsessed with that particular celebrity and obsession is about a marble’s flick away from insanity.  They pitch it as having a little bit of perfection inside you along with a strong feeling of intimacy with that particular famous person.

The protagonist is an employee of that clinic named Syd March (Caleb Landry Jones). Syd is a nickel slick salesmen that also sells some of his merchandise to competitors. He sneaks the celebrity viruses out of his building by injecting it into his own body. One day he gets a call to extract some DNA from one of the celebrity elite, Hannah Geist (Sarah Gadon). He inject himself with some of her disease, takes it back to the clinic, and sells it there as well as to his competitors. Shortly after that, he is infected with a new strain of virus that has the potential for terminal consequences. Now seeing that his balancing act has a shelf life, he goes off to find a cure, and at the same time, not get killed by angry business men.

I liked the shallow and warped world of “Antiviral” as the visuals were bleak in a way that was fascinating.  My major problem was character. I was surprised by how much I liked Jones’ performance. At first, I thought he looked too young to pull off the two-timing company man obsessed with his own product, but he did. He was just the right amount of gangly and sallow for what this movie needed. But other than being gangly and sallow, I didn’t really know much about him. How did he condition himself to become this greedy and obsessed bastard? Is he a product of his surroundings, was it in his upbringing, or was it a combination of the two? The same could be said about every character in this movie. They were strictly reactive which is fine for a good chunk of the movie, but there were some small details I would just like to know.

David Cronenberg always had a flare for delicate horror. It’s a unique type of precise brutality that always made me uncomfortable with my own skin. “Videodrome,” “The Fly,” and “The Brood” were all cringe inducing and his son, Brandon Cronenberg, seems to be following his father’s blue print. “Antiviral” is full of intricate things piercing skin and repulsive ideas being shrugged off as the norm. I didn’t want to compare the directing styles of a father and son, but the resemblance is fairly blunt. It’s not a bad thing by any means. I’m a huge fan of David Cronenberg, and “Antiviral” displays some of his father’s strong suits. “Antivrial” may have its flaws, but it’s a solid first feature film. I hope he continues to pursue filmmaking, because I believe he’ll find his own unique  voice while, at the same time, homaging his father’s.

EXTRA INJECTIONS OF BITS:

- Where the hell did the phrase “nickel slick” come from?

- I wrote this review weeks ago. I was looking through my catalog of things to review, and realized I didn’t post this one. Sorry.

- I found out about the “Clofu” thing through “wait wait, don’t tell me.”

Writer/Director: Rob Zombie

I was 13 when I saw Universal’s trailer for “House of 1000 Corpses.” It came on before the “Psycho” remake in 1998 and I remember being horrified for weeks just from the trailer. I told my friends about the most insane trailer I had ever seen for a movie that they would not hear about until 2003. Later I’d see “Halloween 2″ and have a nightmare about a hulking Mike Myers entering my house. I watched an episode of “Batman: The Animated Series” to calm my nerves. And yesterday, I dreamed that a three-foot demon fetus walked up to me while I was sleeping. I don’t know what he does, but Rob Zombie can rattle the hell out of my subconscious.

“The Lords of Salem” is a psychedelic horror experience involving witches, cults, the devil, hallucinations, evil vinyl, executions, evil wookies, neon crosses, and nudity. We follow a charismatic radio host living in Salem, Massachusetts named Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie). She’s a part of the “Big H Radio Team” which also includes Herman Jackson (Ken Foree) and Herman Salvador (Jeff Daniel Phillips). Things seem to be going well as they host interviews, play heavy metal, and give away cool stuff. One day Heidi receives a record in the mail from “The Lords” with no return address.

After some sexual tension with Herman, Heidi plays the record. What is heard is horrendously demonic music. Herman’s reaction is along the lines of “this sucks” and Heidi’s reaction is to go into a catatonic trance with visions of 16th century witches spitting on a newborn baby. Unfortunately for her, the hallucinations continue after the music stops and with swelling intensity throughout the week. But are they just hallucinations? While they’re interviewing author Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison) about his new book about Salem witches, he recognizes the music. Plus, once they play the demonic record over the radio waves, several other women become entranced.

Even though “The Lords of Salem” is a horror movie, it’s a departure from Rob Zombie’s previous work. It’s not “Halloween” or “House of 1000 Corpses,” but it somehow seems to stay within the confines of the Zombie motif. So what you’re saying is that “The Lords of Salem” is clearly a Rob Zombie production, even though it’s nothing like a Rob Zombie movie? Well, no – what I’m saying is that it’s obviously a Rob Zombie movie, even though it’s nothing like a Rob Zombie production… I’m going to Rotten Tomatoes.

Anyway, I can’t say I’ve ever had a cinematic experience like “The Lords of Salem.” I saw it alone at 10:00 P.M. on a Tuesday with no one else in the theater. After about a half hour I started to look behind me every once in a while out of uneasiness. “The Lords of Salem” is scary, but not in the sense that I jumped out of my seat. It’s closer to “The Shining” or “Susperia” than “Jaws.” I had no idea what to expect or what type of horror was even possible throughout the film. At least I knew I was safe on land during “Jaws.”

All in all, I had a terribly good time with “The Lords of Salem.” It’s cerebrally uncomfortable and that’s exactly what the film was going for. It burns at a slow pace, but the movie can also flip the switch to horrifying in an instant. It’s that editing choice that never lets you get comfortable at any given point in time. Why do you want a viewing experience to be maddening? I have no idea, but I’d rather be driven insane by a movie than bored by one.

EXTRA TIDS OF THE ANTI-CHRIST:

- I’d like to see Sheri Moon Zombie in a non-Rob Zombie related project. She’s a talented actress.

- There was very little (or zero) CGI in this movie.

- I’d take a 40 year old Sheri Moon Zombie over a 26 year old Megan Fox any day. Plus, you see her patoot in almost every movie she’s in.

- Rob Zombie’s next movie is a Philadelphia flyer’s movie.

- My editor, Janelle Hawkes, has had several teeth pulled and edited this review in pain. Thank you. Now get back to work!